Today I am going to be self-indulgent, I do not usually write personal blogs, but I think my experience over the last few days may just ring some bells with others.
Being a lady of now mature years and having lived alone for a long time, I do not very often “get involved,” but for some reason a few months ago I sort of fell into it, at quite a rapid pace. It was nice to have attention, and be treated as a female, something I had not realized how much I had missed. He is a professional gentleman, American and intellectually we could stimulate and challenge each other. Days, weeks, months passed and we arranged a holiday together, in my mind a make or break time.
We had a pleasant time, although not ground shattering, we are both I would say confident, competent people, but you know when there is a niggling doubt, a slight that is perceived and not acted on, even though I know all the informative techniques about trusting your own instinct, I did not. I kept quiet!
The days after we arrived back, the phone, emails and text were uncommonly silent, my self doubt bubbling and brewing, the little voices in my head, saying “You are dumped,” “You picked wrong again’ Then I started making excuses for him, oh boy was my psyche out of kilter by then, and still I was battling on with the argument raging in my head. Finally, I called him, a very short conversation, and I still made excuses for him, saying “I knew he was under pressure and came back to a lot of work,” oh boy! Were those words coming out of my very knowledgeable brain?????
So, the following morning I sent a very happy text, please ring me when convenient that evening. He did, he spoke all about his work and his new work placement in another country, still I was silent. Finally, I asked and what about us? To be met with “I really don’t think I am ready to work at a long distance relationship with you.” Hallelujah; in an instant, peace came over me like being wrapped in a blanket. Of course the silence on the phone he interpreted as my being brokenhearted, dissolving into a puddle where I sat, when I did speak it was to say “Thanks, I feel a lot better now.” Now the silence was from his side. We continued to speak for a little while longer and agreed to meet on Saturday for lunch.
By the time I ended the call I felt elated, that may seem strange, but I was in tact, my instincts were in tact and not flawed and faulty as I was trying to convince myself they were. I know to believe in myself and my instincts, but I fought it, let my needs and my thoughts bow to somebody else and try to fit the square peg into a round hole. It also made me take a step back, I speak, teach and mentor on personal development, in fact it can be said I wrote the book on it, and here I was breaking all the cardinal foundations myself. It proved to me, no matter how much work you do on yourself, you have to keep working on it.
I am lucky and have friends that don’t rub salt in my wounds, but it has been an inspiring lesson that my subconscious brain was picking up signals, I was aware and knew the situation, but my conscious brain tried to drive a bargain, which was totally wrong for me.
So, having a lapse of self-belief is not a bad thing, as long as we can learn from it, and another time when your instinct is telling you, then screaming at you; you will listen to it. I know I will, but for now I have a nice friend and looking forward to Saturday lunch with all barriers down, back to being comfortable with me.